Wadifahtook for President...Again

I, Wadifahtook, have great news that will brighten your mundane little lives. I, Wadifahtook, am again running for president. Settle down, settle down. No, don't really. Keep cheering.


Now, as some of you may recall, I did not win the presidency last election...or the time before that....or the time before that. Perhaps you did not hear I was running. Perhaps your chauffer was unavailable to drive you on voting day. Perhaps you are one of the 37.8 percent who love weasels and automatically vote for them. Whatever the reason, you need to vote for me this year because I really want to be president. I mean, I realllllly want it. This is why I keep running. Now that we have straightened that out, I look forward to seeing you at the polls voting for me (Remember, you have to check the box that says "Wadifahtook" to vote for me. W-A-D-I-F-A-H-T-O-O-K. A check is a mark you make that looks like a "V". You can think of it like the smile of a happy face).


As you well know, the major threat to this country is Uzuri, , the weasel party's chosen candidate. She will be announcing her platform this Thursday. I can already sum it up for you. Socialism. Laziness. Entitlement.


I want to assure my precious, precious votes...um, Americans, that I know exactly where you are coming from. I myself am an everyday American. I struggled up from a rough beginning. Thanks to this great nation and the opportunities it offers, I am now stinking filthy rich. Really, I sleep on piles of money at night. I don't have money under my matress, my matress IS money. But, I have not forgotten my humble beginings; the sweat and hard work, the rawness of my hands that built the very house I live in brick by brick.

Photo insert of candidate's house:
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This is why the greatest party of this nation has changed its name. To better reflect the comradery we share with you common people, we are the X-treme party no more. We will now be known as the hard-work-happy-family-patriot-labor-party. We are the workers' party. While Uzuri and her ilk suckle from the teat of your tax dollars, we bring you wealth through the founding principle of this great nation. Hard work.


We are a party that asks for real change (No really...please mail me your dollars and cents. I need more campaign money). When I was but a little tot, I remember donning my yellow helmet thingy and going down into the oil mines with my father to work and sweat for our living. No, I really did. I went with him one time for daddy daughter day. It was really hot down there. My father was the owner, you know. Very, very rich man. Very rich.


At any rate, much like crawling out of that hell hole, I have scrambled to where I am now through lots of hard work. I have not had everything handed to me like Uzuri has, and the lazy oafs that make up 99 percent of the nation. I will continue to support the hard workers of this great nation. You can tell who they are by the amount of cash in their offshore bank accounts. I am one of them. I mean, one of you. I mean...